Last Summer

Music: Last Summer by Lostprophets

The last few days have been surreal. No surprise really, it always feels like that to me whenever something is about to end, but it's still as weird every time. I had my last day of work on Monday and was pretty happy about that, hung out with Nikki B. for a good while, and fulfilled all outstanding obligations I still had. Basically, I've spent yesterday and today trying to wrap things up. Not just last-minute panic forms for neu (not that there aren't plenty of those), but also this whole part of my life. I did a few things I should have, felt like I got a little closure, and I think that's the best I could have asked for.

I don't want to leave anyone behind, and I don't want to forget about this place, I'm just trying to put things in order. The last time I thought about this kind of thing was at graduation, and it's amazing how much my viewpoint has changed since then. I had gotten the biggest high from graduation day and wanted things to stay like that, but that's obviously foolish. If I can take a few good pieces of that time period with me, that's fucking awesome, but I also have to accept that a lot of things change. I know the things that really were good, namely the real friends, will still be there, so I'm not worried.

My life is actually the most organized it's ever been at this point in time, I finished every goddamn project I ever started. My room is cleaner than it's ever been, ever. My computer finally works perfectly. All my music is organized. I don't have any homework or obligations or bills looming over me. I have my finances pretty under control. Still, that surreal feeling permeates everything. Am I alive or just breathing? How did things end up the way they were? Some things seem so close and I wonder if they would have gone the way I expected with maybe a few different turns of the screw. Not that I'm unhappy with how things are, everything seems to have happened the only way it could have ever happened. Some shit just feels like it's straight out of the twilight zone. Driving around the town for the last time tonight was among the weirder things, especially with Last Summer by Lostprophets playing (which coincidentally was just released as a single...).

I don't even know what I want to do anymore. I mean, I know what fields I'm interested in, but the thought of doing that for the rest of my life seems pretty bleak. The thought of doing anything for the rest of my life seems pretty bleak. I guess I've watched too many movies and tv shows. I'll never be Spike or Neo or whoever it is in whatever stupid shit I'm watching these days. There's no great hero's calling anymore, if there ever was. Yet that's what I'm looking for, or at least that's the silly notion I entertain myself with. I hope I find what I'm looking for in terms of meaning, because I really don't think money is goal enough for me. Well that's hypocritical, I'm sure it's goal enough to make me work hard, but it's not goal enough to make me satisfied with anything I'll ever achieve.

Well I'm leaving for Boston tomorrow. I'm a short train ride away so I'm sure I'll be seeing some of you on a fairly regular basis. I don't know how much I'll be online, but I guess we'll all have to wait and see. This might be the last entry in this for awhile because I've really just gotten bored with it. The whole concept of writing in this has a negative stigma to begin with, and I'm not particularly good at writing when it comes to heartfelt topics, so I don't know how much good me writing this does. I'm great when it comes to snappy comebacks and passionate arguments, but I just can't articulate what's going on with this shit like what's been going on the last few days, so I'm about ready to say fuck it.

--------------------------

I would stop time to stay with you
I would stop time so we don't move
I would stop time
I would stop time
I would stop time to keep you